SECONDHAND NATION

Lazy-E Boy: Josh Dorfman's Fun, Sexy & Cool Guide to Saving the Planet!

Again with his bullshit. 

I know, I've said it before, but ugh.   The hipster glasses, the use of the phrase "totally cool, fun and sexy" when it comes to environmental concerns, the interviewing of Martha Stewart - it all makes me want to upchuck.

I'm with the fearmongering Rovians here, something I'd never imagine I'd say, but I'm not sure how much more grave the situation must get before the "self-interested" realize that they are destroying their own human habitat when they refuse to learn how to live using appropriate resources in appropriate measure. 

Dorfman talks about semantics - how telling the unmoved masses how much more fun life will be if they go green is better than talking dire forecasts of shortage and destruction.

Sorry, but the aw-shucks, anti-science, booze cruisers have had their turn.  We need to use the language of science - carbon counting, food miles, bio-regions - in an effort to explain to people their role in the problem.  It's boring and yes, there's math involved.   And there's no vacant-eyed Swedish blond giving you a handjob while it's happening.  But this rebranding of sustainability/green living/environmental awareness/ is just more marketing to make new companies a buck before the ride stops. 

Grim Retail Christmas Sales, My Ass

Oh, poor dear old baby Jesus.  He might not sleep easy in his manger this holiday season - the retail forecast is so bad.   He might have to get a job as a night stocker in Best Buy - which apparently is wishful thinking if you read this.

Or that.

How about this? 

More of depressing dismal economic blah blah.

AHHH!  Stop it!

Look, I went to an outlet mall this weekend, in the hopes of finding some new shoes - combing my local thrifts has not yielded a thing lately - and also to do some Christmas shopping.  And what I found was hordes of people huffing around in their puffy winter coats, dragging their screaming, fed-up children into the Gap where they commenced to blitzing a display of folded jewel-tone sweaters like a starving mob in waiting for a food aid dump.   There were people circling in cars for good spots.  The local food shops were full of slobbering post-shopping lunchers.   Even the frickin Waterford Crystal/Wedgewood outlet was jammed to the hilt - come on!

People are still gonna shop for the damn holidays.  Feeling cheap and guilty around one's immediate families is worse than feeling broke. 

Every year, the local news outlets do the same "on the scene" report at a nearby mall, standing by an escalator as shoppers toting multiple bags gawk or hustle past, with the thrust of the story somehow becoming how sales are down, stores are hurting, poor little Bob Cratchit is going to be lucky if he scores a few packs of ramen, never mind chestnuts, black puddings and ham. 

If you watch the news or read the papers, you'd think that scads of harassed store managers would be falling en masse from the nearest skyscraper.   But somehow, whenever I go to shop retail during November-December, the stores are packed, the "doorbuster"  deals abound, the staff seem exhausted, there's no place to park and I'm as crabby about holiday consumerism as ever. 

The Biffy of Forest Drive: Can You Recycle Dog Poop?

 

Compost This? has no suggestions.  Neither does its companion site Recycle This?

What's a girl to do when her yard has been designated official rest stop of shitting dogs in the vicinity for the past eleventy years?

When I recognize the poop that comes from my neighbor's ugly Basenji - filled with bits of string and plastic is the main tip-off - I use the plastic bag my newspaper comes in and fling the offending poo over into her yard or front step, usually in an area where my own child will not step on it.

Like, right in front of my door?  Which is where I find dog poop on a regular basis?

But sometimes I get random logs left nearer to the street, which lets me imagine that loose dogs or random walkers-of-dogs are choosing to relieve themselves on my property, using the subtle techniques reserved to ninjas, I'd imagine.  (I'm home alot.  And I'm outside alot.  How am I missing this?)

So, please, recycling-minded, sympathetic readers -  is there any use for dog shit beyond pranks involving flaming bags?  Because I have, so to speak, a shit-ton of it. 

Another "Eco-Find." Sigh.

Dammit, SheFinds, why do you torment me so?  Could it be that you pop up so readily on my BlogLines feeder, eagerly serving up throw-away posts like every other corporate blog channel trying to get us to wring out our wallets online?

Their latest Eco-Find, some travel candles that are made with soy wax and essential oils, have me mystified again.

Great.  Soy wax = great.    And essential oils?  Basically bulletproof - what kinda commie pinko's gonna argue with pure, uncompromised plant and flower essences?

And though the lovely people at Er'Go Candles "operate in a loving and peaceful environment" in the hopes that they will "transfer this love and peace through our products" thus "helping to raise the vibration upon this earth" - seriously, I'm not making this up - it's just another example of buying more shit you don't need.

So you travel?  And you like candles and essential oils?  Just put your fave oil and a votive in your suitcase.  When you get to your hotel, stick the votive in the ashtray, anoint yourself with the goddamned oil, and wallah.  It's not like a tinned candle looks any better than this, anyway. 

Same feelings, same effects, no bullshit packaging or additional purchasing.   Explain to me again why I'm not in charge of everything?

Oh, that getting off my ass thing?  Yeah, that.  No, you're right.  I remember now.    

Make Your Own: Hydrating Mist for Your Hair

Figure 1:  Not at all what I remotely look like, especially after the past three days of rain. 

If you're still using a wall-mounted telephone with a cord and have a computer as big as a washing machine, you might not be familiar with top-blog She Finds, which is a breathless, shopping-crazed consumer-driven blog that helps females (and fashion-minded males) by high-lighting must-have products and trends on the web. 

Finally! you might be thinking, as you step into your stone underwear.  I can't be expected to do all that shit myself!

But if you're like me and strive to reduce all the packaging waste you can, you'll see that their latest "Eco-Find" is just more bullshit - should you have the non-oily genetics or live somewhere that requires you to hydrate your hair, it's possible to MAKE YOUR OWN hair-hydrating spray that will cost much less than $16.

To wit: 

Step One:  Boil up a gallon of water.  Or buy a gallon of distilled water.  Or use the water you filter into a pitcher.  Whatever.

Step Two:  Add like 10 drops of lavender essential oil to the water. 

Step Three:  Put mixture into a clean spray bottle.    The End.

Jesus.  Life doesn't have to be this hard.  Further, I don't know why anyone would want to hydrate their hair.  I personally own a mane that foofs up to the size of a hot air balloon with the slightest change in the dewpoint.  If I hydrated it, I'd look like fucken Yahoo Serious and wouldn't be able to get through my front door. 

Image via Wikipedia.

Dislikes

Wal-Mart and Cost-Co

flavored coffee beans

going to weddings

coupons

Avon

white bread

brown drip pottery

men that are anti-abortion

microwave cookbooks

VHS tapes

3-ring binders

heavy draperies that features tiebacks and curtain rod "scarves"

overhead lighting

PartyLite candles

angels

tiny dogs that people carry around like purses

air fresheners

fake flowers and fake Spanish moss (AKA "granny pussy")

lemonade stands at yard sales when there are too many bees out

grody 80's blazers for sale at garage sales in 95 degree weather

people who constantly have a garage sale going on in their garage (my grandmother was one of these people and she counted empty egg cartons and the containers from L'eggs pantyhose among her merchandise buffet)

Beanie Babies

wallpaper borders

black enamel tables with gold edging

glass-topped tables

overstuffed couches, with special emphasis on saggy elephant leather-look couches

Ladies' Home Journal

crystal

stained tupperware

No Juice Was Harmed In the Making of This Blog

From the Minneapolis Star Tribune's North metro police report, June 20, 2007:

JUNE 3:  Attempted Theft 

Two men were caught trying to steal boxes of expired juice from a Dumpster outside a business in the 2800 block of S. Anthony Lane.  They were cited for trespassing.  The juice was returned to the Dumpster.   

Oh, good.  So there was a happy ending, after all!  I was worried that the juice might have been abducted and snared into a prostitution scam. 

Three things:

1)  I love the capitalization of "Dumpster" in this instance - the personification really punches up the drama.

2)  I wonder if the trespassers saw the juice get tucked back into its Dumpster-Mommy and tried to go for it again?  In order to avoid such precious items being stolen, perhaps the Dumpster might consider getting an alarm system or at least a dog?  I suppose we'll never know. 

3) I sure feel safer now, knowing those juice-stealing trespassers received citations.   That'll show them!  How dare they try to climb in a Dumpster and...steal juice!  Honestly, what's the world coming to these days?   I don't know, man.  It's sad.  People have turned into these trespassing, juice-entitled assholes.  Whatta world, huh?